I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize
