My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
