She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
