You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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