Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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