hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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