Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Randomize
