I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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