When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
