I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I am naked and annoyed.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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