his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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