Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
