I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
