if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
