she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
