I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
time to smoke my breakfast
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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