I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
