just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
