i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
