My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
