It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
