Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
