You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize