Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
