My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
