butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
