I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
