just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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