Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
