sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
