his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
