So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
