Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
