I wanna bring you to show and tell
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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