I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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