happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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