My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
