I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
