I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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