pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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