everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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