I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
