My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
