made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
