I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
