I met the friendliest cop last night
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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