So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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