I am midnight drunk by noon
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
