fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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