Christians are straight up FREAKS
So drunk its hurt
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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