My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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