My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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