I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
