You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
