sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
