We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
