I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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