I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
