Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
