i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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