Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
